I want the end to be easier than the start

You were a hopeful heart that I shattered apart

I wanna say goodbye and disappear, mm-mm

Don't wanna watch if you break down into tears

Don't try to make me stay

'Cause I ain't gonna change my mind

Take a good look at the pain in my face 'fore you walk away

Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say

I'm gonna give you what you wanted

Though my heart will never stop

Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not

You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

We'll move on and you'll find somebody new

With everything I could never be for you, mm-mm

It's hard to hear, but time is a broken heart's best friend, uh-uh

And there's a morning waitin' for you

We don't know what could've been

What could've been

Take a good look at the pain in my face 'fore you walk away

Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say

I'm gonna give you what you wanted

Though my heart will never stop

Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not

You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

I can't stop you from leavin'

And you can't stop me from lovin' you

So take a good look at the pain 'fore you walk away

Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say

I'm gonna give you what you wanted

Though my heart will never stop

Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not

You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

:')

Here's something that I suddenly feel like sharing. Something that happened in 2017 or 2018, I don't really remember. Something that happened during my study years.

Pernah tak korang rasa stress gila nak mati, sampai rasa nak muntah? Tambah pulak dengan sakit kepala? Pernah? That was what I went through during my supposedly last 2 semesters. Almost every single day. No one knew. Aku tak pernah cakap dekat sesiapa pun. Not even Mimi, my twin sister. Not a single person know what I was going through.

I didn't study well sebab macam aku cakap, aku stress. Semua class untuk semua subject aku tak boleh focus. Study sendiri lagi la tak focus. I keep on remembering what my mom said few years back. Her words hunt me, till now. Aku punya tahap stress tu teruk gila sampai one day, aku snapped. That day aku ada quiz and of course, I can't do it. I tried to study, tapi satu pun tak masuk. Tambah pulak dengan stress from previous quizzes for that subject that I didn't do well too, I felt like crying but I hold it. My classes haven't finish for that day. Lepas habis quiz tu I have another class, and for god sake, my classmates boleh pulak nak discuss pasal quiz tu. Of course diorang pun struggle since that subject is what we called "killer subject". But even tho they struggle, they can still keep on smiling and laughing about it and they asked me a few times about the quiz. Time tu lah aku snapped. I took my earphone, put it on, play my Walkman at full volume, walk out of the class and slam the door. YES I SLAMMED THE CLASSROOM DOOR. U know what was the worse part? Lecturer aku ada dalam kelas, dah start cakap, dah nak start class. I went out, slammed the door, hide at a corner which i believe no one know of its existence, and cried to my heart content.

During my supposedly last 2 semesters, I was so damn tired. I cried every single day. I skipped classes. I didn't do all of my assignments and even if I did, it was half-assed work. I slept A LOT. Balik kelas tidur, buat assignment takat mana larat lepas tu tidur. Repeat la benda sama hari2. At one point, aku tengok ceiling fan tu aku fikir "Should i just kill myself?" Lepas tu aku tengok tingkap "Gantung dekat situ pun ok", "Should I leave a note? What kind of note? Apology note? Should I explain?" Once those thoughts came through, I knew I need a break. I emailed all my lecturers asking for permission to be absent for 2 weeks. Tapi aku tak ke mana pun, duduk berkurung dalam bilik layan perasaan jugak, silly me. For 1 week lebih, I was quite find I guess? But then I started to think about death, again. So aku pun macam "No, this can't go on. U need to get up and move ur lazy ass." So aku pun start pergi class macam biasa. The only different was, I noticed my classmates seems to be more careful when talking to me, hahahahaha. I'm glad they didn't ask me anything tho. weeee.

That was what happened to me. It was part of the reasons why I ended up with extending 2 semester. One thing after another sampai satu tahap aku jadi malas nak fikir about my future. Aku malas nak cari kerja yang ikut kelayakan degree yang aku ada. Aku nak kerja biasa2 je, lantak la orang nak kata apa.

There's a reason why u should be mindful when talking to ur children. The pressure, the expectation, her strong wish to see us become successful, and of course, her words.

"Kalau korang ambik sains tulen dulu mesti boleh dapat straight A's.'

"Kalau wani ambik sains tulen dulu kan senang nak pilih UPU ni."

"Kalau wani ambik sains dulu, boleh jadi doctor, boleh jugak tahu mak abah sakit apa."

Those words will never leave my mind. Ever.

So please la, korang yang dah kahwin tu, dah anak tu, please, be careful of ur words.

crap

Dulu, bila orang dewasa cakap yang once kau masuk universiti, once kau kerja, you gonna miss your school years, aku tak boleh hadam dan bayangkan sebab just like everyone else, I can't wait to grow up and be free.

Now that I've become an adult, a failure too, I finally understand what those adults mean. School years are the best part of my life. The only concern I have regarding the future is what course should I take for my study. That's it. I miss those good old days.

So that's it?

I can't sleep no matter how sleepy I am. I need to get rid of these thoughts off of my mind but there's no one I can talk to at this time around so here I am.

Is that how you think of us? One of the negative vibe in your life? Since when? I'm speechless. Is that how you spread positive vibe? By getting rid of us the negative vibe? What exactly did we do wrong for you to think of us that way? So all this time you've been forcing yourself to stay? You never said a word and suddenly you decide to leave. Just like that. From apologizing for wanting to take a break to "Sebelum aku move on." in 29 hours. Just wow.

I can't believe that it's over now
I hope you know that I'll miss you
You fought the fight like no other could
Day and night I hope you know, I'm so proud of you

Said goodbye but had to lie
Tonight it's not alright
So I'll try but I can't deny
Tonight will never be alright

Tell me how do I let go?
When all I know is to hold on
Every memory that you left
Keeps me from moving ahead
Tell me how do I let go?

It's been a month, I've been doing good
I wrote this song thinking of you
I hope it helps someone like me someday get through
Losing somebody like you

Said I'd try but had to lie
Goodbye is not alright
So I'll cry from time to time
'Cause goodbye will never be alright

Tell me how do I let go?
When all I know is to hold on
Every memory that you left
Keeps me from…

wtf

6 tahun lepas kau buang aku.

Sekarang kau contact aku balik.

Kononnya puas dah kau cari aku tapi tak jumpa.

BULLSHIT.

Kau nak apa dari aku sebenarnya setan?

Random Thoughts

While I was browsing random videos on Youtube, I stumbled upon some piano pieces and one of them was the video above. Then I remember that I've just started talking to her again after so long. It was just a simple favor, but thinking that she was the one whose asking, I was so afraid of disappointing her that my hand tremble trying to fulfill it, just how foolish can I be 😂 Then a nostalgic feeling (is that even correct?) creeped out from the depth of my heart giving a warm feeling, something I haven't feel for so long and I realize that I miss her a lot (〃 ̫​〃)

Then I remembered a story from back when I was still in high school, from Ecah, about a pianist's reaction when she requested this one song, but I couldn't remember the title so I asked her. Her answers amused me

                     

While continuing to listen to the song, I started reminiscing the good old days. Those were such peaceful days - talking some random shits, laughing, gossiping, imagining traveling together, camping at a beach somewhere while gathering around a campfire and having fun. I believe some of us do still hoping for this... or not, but I do, just a little bit, hahaha.

Well these are just some random thoughts. It has been so long since I last posted something here, I just thought of letting these thoughts out of my mind before they become a mess. Well, thats it, bye bye.

p/s: I prefer the song above compared to Schubert Serenade ;)

welp

Females were naturally sensitive species and Qiao Anhao had already sensed that Lu Jinnian was avoiding her, but she had no idea why.

She thought that it was probably her love that was causing her random thoughts.

this remind me of so many things

***********************************************************

btw, happy 9th anniversary Eleven! its a bit late though and I just remembered that I actually forgot about it last year :P

crack

i prefer the one covered by rib though 😋 click here to listen to rib version

On the nights when the sound of the rain echos in the air 
I'd hear your laughter inside my heart 
No matter how tightly I tied our strings of fate together, they still came apart 
What a cruel world we live in

I opened my umbrella, but I couldn't fold it back 
I must have been crying 
Because the heavy rain that washed over the whole town 
Already stopped a long time ago

You are overflowing 
And my small body isn't enough to hold you back 
Before I knew it  I've become completely empty 
And my small heart  starts to dry up

All by myself, I'm soiled 
By this cracked up world 
I'm breaking apart  I can't move 
So please, hold my hands tightly in yours

Holding my breath, I tried to smile 
But it hurt so much that I started crying 
Please, no  I don't want to be tied to anyone 
By my string of fate  other than you

I tried stretching out my fingers 
Toward the dull gray sky 
Though I knew there was no way I'd reach it 
I still whispered to myself that I only had a little way to go

I'll try to tie our strings together 
More tightly next time  so 
Just a little more 
Please stay right where you are

I fell into a sea with zero vision 
Even the present is slipping away from my view 
It's so sad I cannot possibly smile 
When you are no where in sight

All by myself, I'm soiled 
By this cracked up world 
I'm breaking apart  I can't move 
So please, hold my hands tightly in yours

credit: Hinamawari

GG

just realised that the due date for report submission was yesterday, patut la he want it asap. i thought the due date was this friday 😂 my mistake, i admit it.

welp, im gonna fail my fyp so yay me 👏

*sigh

im a failure

a disappointment

and a useless person

yay.....

.....?

i wanna cry

but can i?

its my mistake

so i don't deserve it;

the right to cry

Macam mana orang boleh teruskan something yang bukan kehendak diorang? I'm so envious of those who know what they want to do. What I've been studying is not something that I truly wish for. Well, it's not like I know what I want to do now. I wanted to continue my study in architecture, but that dream was shattered, so I stop dreaming. Now I'm clueless. I don't find studying fun, I've lost all the motivation needed since a year ago, or maybe longer than that, I don't know. Right now, doing my FYP feels like a torture. I keep on procrastinating my FYP work. For god sake... I'm useless. It's my turn to present tomorrow but I haven't done anything. Dah hujung-hujung tahun belajar ni buat aku fikir ''Am I doing the right thing? Kalau masa belajar ni pun dah hilang minat macam mana kalau kerja nanti? Am I gonna keep on doing something that I don't want?" Aku masih tak tahu apa yang aku nak buat tapi ada satu benda yang aku yakin; this is not what I want to do.

I Miss You

i wonder since when, my feeling towards you
has been overflowing in the bottom of my heart
unseasonably, we walked by the sea
leaving bumps of our footprints on the sand

if we no longer share the same feeling
tell me, definitely i'll do anything

i miss you, no matter how far
we're apart from each other
when our hearts in sync greeting the same dawn
i believe we are indeed together

the wave splashes, and you push up your wind-blown hair
for no specific reason, i fall in love with you again
it's just difficult, even all the words in this world
cannot justify my whole feeling towards you

yes, if i can have you
ah, even if i have to push myself, i'll be there

i miss you, i want you to be by my sode just a bit more
even it's a mere illusion
i wanna have you, please stay here
i'll get you so have faith in me

'busy' comes out as an excuse, but it's actually your signal of 'i'm lonely'
days we can't meet each other, somehow
i got your clue but i just pretend i didn't
now i'm not going to ignore it ever again

i miss you, for the rest of my life
together on the road i'll be on
i want you there, always by my side
i'll go get you now, so have faith in me

today, no matter how far
we're apart from each other
as our hearts are in sync,
surely we'll find the same dawn

Expectation & Trust

trust

• easy to lose but hard to gain
• easiest way to hurt someone; betray the trust given *wink*

expectation

• high expectation - both side can get hurt
• low expectation - simply means you're not trusted (percaya sikit la kot, sikiiiiiiiiit je). *my definition* *i don't give a shit if nobody, except my parents, don't trust me*

conclusion

both can give you emotional pain

I don't trust people anymore, and I'm losing the trust that I've given to almost everyone. and I'm not going to expect anything from anyone anymore. ok, that's bullshit. we can never run from expecting something from someone. well, my expectation gonna very low then.

Missing

god, this song is so heartbreaking yet so good (ಥ﹏ಥ)

I keep recalling the moments you were here
Each time, it makes me smile
So many seasons have gone by
Swiftly without a sound

The clock’ s hands are moving
I want to move on, but
The seasons are leaving me behind
Forever and ever

The reason I'm not forgetting you
is because you cried
Even now
I ended up searching (for your voice)
This entire time

Getting hurt, and hurt again
They say everyone will someday grow up
I’m missing you, missing you so much
But your voice is just not here
Aaaaa
Just why won’t this feeling reach you

The distance we’ve been apart
If only that can make me stronger
I'll keep wishing of
the future I believe in
Endlessly

However
If this is a dream, please wake me up

The conversations we had..
The days the tears were shed..
So I make a wish upon the star
No more than this one wish

I don’t want to lose anything anymore
We can still protect it
Let me hear your name
I’ll call you with all my might
Yet, it’s just nowhere to be found

Getting hurt, and hurt again
They say everyone will someday grow up
I’m missing you, missing you so much
But your voice is just nowhere to be found

The darkness of this grief
Let it be light to another
I keep on breathing, and breathing
Hopefully this wound will heal someday

who was it?

I've been living in my own world
believing that nothing's gonna change
and before I realize it
I'm losing you bit by bit

I'm still living in my own world
keep denying that it's happening - losing you
and before I realize it
we already fall apart

I will live in my own new world
where everything happened is just a memory
I'm trying to put an end to these denials
from these past two years
so there will be no more tears

****************************************************************************************************

found this in my book, seems like this one is written in 2013

just who am I thinking of when I wrote this? was it him? or could it be....her? hmmm......

7th Anniversary

It's our 7th anniversary~! May Allah blessed us and our friendship. May Allah help us in keeping our friendship intact so that it will last forever. We may be apart from each other physically, but don't let the distant tear us apart from each other.

Allow me to send an appreciation message to my precious friend. Kalau ada yang terasa sebab aku tulis untuk dia je, I'm sorry. You guys do know how much I treasure her right? :P

To Tehah,

We have been together for 10 years now. We have gone through some ups and downs within these 10 years. We once kept a distance, but we managed to stay by each other side. We once, almost ended our friendship, we didn't talk to each other for months and again, somehow we managed to stay. Then the same thing happened, and again, we decided to stay. I know it's not good to think this way, I can't help it but think that we may repeat the same thing over and over again. If that will ever happen again, please remember that deep down, I never want us to be separated. All I ever wish for is for us and the other Eleven's members to stay together forever. If you ever notice that I've been away for so long, drag me back. It could be that I'm running away from something again. I'm a coward. I'll never talk about myself if nobody ask me. Even if someone did ask me, there's no guarantee that I'll talk about it. Here's a tip. Force me to talk about anything you want to know. That's the only way you'll ever hear from me. Force here means, keep asking me. Asking me once won't get you anywhere. So yeah, keep asking me the same thing until you get the answers. Last one, remember this, glued it in your memory, use a super strong glue; I love you. I never hate you, not even once. I'll never be able to hate you. No matter how much I get hurt by your words and actions, I'll end up forgive you.

Sincerely,

Me.

******************************************************************************************

To the others,

I love you guys as well. I know that I've never really talk about myself. Even if I do talk about it, it always stuff from years ago. That's why, if you have any question, if you are curios about something related to me, just ask. Don't worry about me end up crying from talking about it. Some of you did told me few years ago that you guys are afraid to ask me because you are worried that I might end up crying. *sigh* Don't be stupid guys. Just ask me. Anything, anytime.

Oh! If you just want to talk to me about normal stuff *what's normal stuff anyway?* or you know, talk about stupid shits is fine too. Just send me a text! A call is fine too, depends though. 

hahahaha, I'm bored. I'm stressed due to my assignments and test and midterm exam.

I miss you guys la sebenarnya :/ it's our 7th anniversary but never once, we celebrate it together *sigh*

sorry for all these useless rambling. I should be doing my term paper (essay) that must have 2500 words instead of typing all of these stuff *sigh*

Ok la, better go now. It's 12.45am already and none of my assignment is done yet. Well, I won't do it like right now anyway, I wanna go to sleep already, feels so tired.

******************************************************************************************

「One Hundred Million Stars Falling from the Sky」

What are you to me

What am I to you

I wonder what we mean to each other

There's no way for me to know that

For a heart to turn grief-colored

I'm sure there must be a reason

Before I know it, I got scared

Whenever I'm immersed my thoughts about our future together I feel unsettled

I don't want to, I hate it

When I get involved in the things I can't

I become frightened of the loneliness

and lonely because of my fear

Upon the one hundred million stars falling from the sky, I just wish for one thing

It's all because of your profile right beside me that feels so distant

You will grow old

I will grow old

The two of us will shrink

Together we become stars

Right next to us

Death was really close

Before I know it, I got scared

Whenever I think about things I can't imagine I feel unsettled

I don't want it. I hate it.

When I tried to avoid things I couldn't comprehend

I gazed absently at the night sky, just to get nowhere

Upon the one hundred million stars falling from the sky, I just wish for one thing

Compared to this vast universe I'm far too small

Even though distant

It will draw closer

Like a whisper

Praying

Even though piercing

It means no harm

Teasingly

Glittering... Shooting across the sky...

Upon the one hundred million stars falling from the sky, I just wish for one thing

When I become a star one day, I wonder if I can still stay beside you

This single piece of wish soars

and melt into the deep blue sky

At the end of these one hundred million glitters

I'm alone, thinking of you

Kahkahkah

Setting

Venue: Dapur

Time: Lepas buka puasa

Aku dekat sinki basuh pinggan mangkuk. Atas freeze sebelah sinki tu ada kotak(?) telur (aku tak tahu apa nama dia, benda yang orang letak telur, yang kau beli sepapan tu, aku tak tau la tapi bapak aku panggil sepapan telur xD). Kucing aku, Tompok nama dia *cliche* cakar-cakar la kotak telur tu then adik aku masuk dapur nak basuh pinggan, sementara tunggu aku siap tu, dia pun borak dengan Tompok. Masa dia nak borak dengan Tompok tu aku tengah cakap dengan dia, tak ingat apa yang aku cakap. Then

Edot: *sambil usap-usap kucing yang tengah bercakar* Aciiiikkkk, Acik buat apa?

Aku: *stare her* Oi!

Edot: Eh, silap! Tompooookkk, Tompok buat apaaaaaa? *gelak-gelak*

Aku: *smirking* Tompok basuh pinggan

The End.

***********************************

Faham apa yang jadi? She mistook our cat's name with nickname that she use to call me. Dalam rumah aku biasa tertukar nama kucing dengan kucing lain. Dia? Sengal betul. Lepas tu start la event menganjing dia. Setiap kali cakap atau tanya pasal Tompok, aku jawab and tukar nama Tompok jadi Acik. Sesi menganjing berterusan for almost 3 days. Satu family join weh! Seronok aku kenakan dia xD

氷菓

Ha! Dah delete menggatal nak buat balik blog. Awal-awal semangat publish post, lepas tu? Sudahnya habis seminggu cuti inter-sem baru ada post baru. Tu pun start dengan depressing post *immatrash *slap

Kbye

###################################################

I don't even know why tapi aku buat keputusan untuk jauhkan diri. Aku lari dari kau. Bukan baru. Dah lama. Dah banyak kali. Tapi tak pernah teruk macam ni. Dah berapa kali entah aku ignore call kau. Lepas tu guna alasan "sorry phone silent tak perasan" "sorry telinga sumbat tak dengar phone bunyi" "sorry aku dekat toilet tadi". Instead of call kau balik, aku sekadar whatsapp bagi alasan dan tanya "ada apa call?" Cold treatment. Itu yang aku bagi kau. Kejam kan aku?

Jangan tanya aku kenapa. Benci? Jauh sekali. Tak pernah terlintas difikiran yang aku benci kau. Aku sendiri tengah cari jawapan. When it comes to my own life, aku jadi orang paling pengecut. Aku lari dari semua benda. Apa benda pun tak pernah selesai. Aku biar je apa yang jadi dengan alasan "ni balasan aku sebab lukakan hati kau dulu"

Aku nak mintak maaf, sebab aku masih lagi akan jauhkan diri dari kau. Aku tak tahu sampai bila. Mungkin selamanya? Entah. Sebab aku tak pernah berjaya.

Sorry.

p/s: kalau kau tahu kau siapa, aku nak mintak kerjasama, jangan contact aku, tu je.

**** It!

This is me for the last 3 days dan ni baru minggu ke-3. Can I survive this semester? I'm dead.

And this is the first time that I've decided not to do an assignment given. Persetankan that assignment. I don't need it. Well, not really, that's bullshit. Still, I won't do that one assignment. Hell no. It'll definitely affect my carry mark but **** it. I'm done for this week.