I want the end to be easier than the start

You were a hopeful heart that I shattered apart

I wanna say goodbye and disappear, mm-mm

Don't wanna watch if you break down into tears

Don't try to make me stay

'Cause I ain't gonna change my mind

Take a good look at the pain in my face 'fore you walk away

Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say

I'm gonna give you what you wanted

Though my heart will never stop

Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not

You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

We'll move on and you'll find somebody new

With everything I could never be for you, mm-mm

It's hard to hear, but time is a broken heart's best friend, uh-uh

And there's a morning waitin' for you

We don't know what could've been

What could've been

Take a good look at the pain in my face 'fore you walk away

Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say

I'm gonna give you what you wanted

Though my heart will never stop

Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not

You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

I can't stop you from leavin'

And you can't stop me from lovin' you

So take a good look at the pain 'fore you walk away

Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say

I'm gonna give you what you wanted

Though my heart will never stop

Tell you that I'm fine even though I'm not

You're gonna know for the rest of your life this is true

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

I'm never gettin' over you

:')

Here's something that I suddenly feel like sharing. Something that happened in 2017 or 2018, I don't really remember. Something that happened during my study years.

Pernah tak korang rasa stress gila nak mati, sampai rasa nak muntah? Tambah pulak dengan sakit kepala? Pernah? That was what I went through during my supposedly last 2 semesters. Almost every single day. No one knew. Aku tak pernah cakap dekat sesiapa pun. Not even Mimi, my twin sister. Not a single person know what I was going through.

I didn't study well sebab macam aku cakap, aku stress. Semua class untuk semua subject aku tak boleh focus. Study sendiri lagi la tak focus. I keep on remembering what my mom said few years back. Her words hunt me, till now. Aku punya tahap stress tu teruk gila sampai one day, aku snapped. That day aku ada quiz and of course, I can't do it. I tried to study, tapi satu pun tak masuk. Tambah pulak dengan stress from previous quizzes for that subject that I didn't do well too, I felt like crying but I hold it. My classes haven't finish for that day. Lepas habis quiz tu I have another class, and for god sake, my classmates boleh pulak nak discuss pasal quiz tu. Of course diorang pun struggle since that subject is what we called "killer subject". But even tho they struggle, they can still keep on smiling and laughing about it and they asked me a few times about the quiz. Time tu lah aku snapped. I took my earphone, put it on, play my Walkman at full volume, walk out of the class and slam the door. YES I SLAMMED THE CLASSROOM DOOR. U know what was the worse part? Lecturer aku ada dalam kelas, dah start cakap, dah nak start class. I went out, slammed the door, hide at a corner which i believe no one know of its existence, and cried to my heart content.

During my supposedly last 2 semesters, I was so damn tired. I cried every single day. I skipped classes. I didn't do all of my assignments and even if I did, it was half-assed work. I slept A LOT. Balik kelas tidur, buat assignment takat mana larat lepas tu tidur. Repeat la benda sama hari2. At one point, aku tengok ceiling fan tu aku fikir "Should i just kill myself?" Lepas tu aku tengok tingkap "Gantung dekat situ pun ok", "Should I leave a note? What kind of note? Apology note? Should I explain?" Once those thoughts came through, I knew I need a break. I emailed all my lecturers asking for permission to be absent for 2 weeks. Tapi aku tak ke mana pun, duduk berkurung dalam bilik layan perasaan jugak, silly me. For 1 week lebih, I was quite find I guess? But then I started to think about death, again. So aku pun macam "No, this can't go on. U need to get up and move ur lazy ass." So aku pun start pergi class macam biasa. The only different was, I noticed my classmates seems to be more careful when talking to me, hahahahaha. I'm glad they didn't ask me anything tho. weeee.

That was what happened to me. It was part of the reasons why I ended up with extending 2 semester. One thing after another sampai satu tahap aku jadi malas nak fikir about my future. Aku malas nak cari kerja yang ikut kelayakan degree yang aku ada. Aku nak kerja biasa2 je, lantak la orang nak kata apa.

There's a reason why u should be mindful when talking to ur children. The pressure, the expectation, her strong wish to see us become successful, and of course, her words.

"Kalau korang ambik sains tulen dulu mesti boleh dapat straight A's.'

"Kalau wani ambik sains tulen dulu kan senang nak pilih UPU ni."

"Kalau wani ambik sains dulu, boleh jadi doctor, boleh jugak tahu mak abah sakit apa."

Those words will never leave my mind. Ever.

So please la, korang yang dah kahwin tu, dah anak tu, please, be careful of ur words.

crap

Dulu, bila orang dewasa cakap yang once kau masuk universiti, once kau kerja, you gonna miss your school years, aku tak boleh hadam dan bayangkan sebab just like everyone else, I can't wait to grow up and be free.

Now that I've become an adult, a failure too, I finally understand what those adults mean. School years are the best part of my life. The only concern I have regarding the future is what course should I take for my study. That's it. I miss those good old days.

So that's it?

I can't sleep no matter how sleepy I am. I need to get rid of these thoughts off of my mind but there's no one I can talk to at this time around so here I am.

Is that how you think of us? One of the negative vibe in your life? Since when? I'm speechless. Is that how you spread positive vibe? By getting rid of us the negative vibe? What exactly did we do wrong for you to think of us that way? So all this time you've been forcing yourself to stay? You never said a word and suddenly you decide to leave. Just like that. From apologizing for wanting to take a break to "Sebelum aku move on." in 29 hours. Just wow.