:')

Here's something that I suddenly feel like sharing. Something that happened in 2017 or 2018, I don't really remember. Something that happened during my study years.

Pernah tak korang rasa stress gila nak mati, sampai rasa nak muntah? Tambah pulak dengan sakit kepala? Pernah? That was what I went through during my supposedly last 2 semesters. Almost every single day. No one knew. Aku tak pernah cakap dekat sesiapa pun. Not even Mimi, my twin sister. Not a single person know what I was going through.

I didn't study well sebab macam aku cakap, aku stress. Semua class untuk semua subject aku tak boleh focus. Study sendiri lagi la tak focus. I keep on remembering what my mom said few years back. Her words hunt me, till now. Aku punya tahap stress tu teruk gila sampai one day, aku snapped. That day aku ada quiz and of course, I can't do it. I tried to study, tapi satu pun tak masuk. Tambah pulak dengan stress from previous quizzes for that subject that I didn't do well too, I felt like crying but I hold it. My classes haven't finish for that day. Lepas habis quiz tu I have another class, and for god sake, my classmates boleh pulak nak discuss pasal quiz tu. Of course diorang pun struggle since that subject is what we called "killer subject". But even tho they struggle, they can still keep on smiling and laughing about it and they asked me a few times about the quiz. Time tu lah aku snapped. I took my earphone, put it on, play my Walkman at full volume, walk out of the class and slam the door. YES I SLAMMED THE CLASSROOM DOOR. U know what was the worse part? Lecturer aku ada dalam kelas, dah start cakap, dah nak start class. I went out, slammed the door, hide at a corner which i believe no one know of its existence, and cried to my heart content.

During my supposedly last 2 semesters, I was so damn tired. I cried every single day. I skipped classes. I didn't do all of my assignments and even if I did, it was half-assed work. I slept A LOT. Balik kelas tidur, buat assignment takat mana larat lepas tu tidur. Repeat la benda sama hari2. At one point, aku tengok ceiling fan tu aku fikir "Should i just kill myself?" Lepas tu aku tengok tingkap "Gantung dekat situ pun ok", "Should I leave a note? What kind of note? Apology note? Should I explain?" Once those thoughts came through, I knew I need a break. I emailed all my lecturers asking for permission to be absent for 2 weeks. Tapi aku tak ke mana pun, duduk berkurung dalam bilik layan perasaan jugak, silly me. For 1 week lebih, I was quite find I guess? But then I started to think about death, again. So aku pun macam "No, this can't go on. U need to get up and move ur lazy ass." So aku pun start pergi class macam biasa. The only different was, I noticed my classmates seems to be more careful when talking to me, hahahahaha. I'm glad they didn't ask me anything tho. weeee.

That was what happened to me. It was part of the reasons why I ended up with extending 2 semester. One thing after another sampai satu tahap aku jadi malas nak fikir about my future. Aku malas nak cari kerja yang ikut kelayakan degree yang aku ada. Aku nak kerja biasa2 je, lantak la orang nak kata apa.

There's a reason why u should be mindful when talking to ur children. The pressure, the expectation, her strong wish to see us become successful, and of course, her words.

"Kalau korang ambik sains tulen dulu mesti boleh dapat straight A's.'

"Kalau wani ambik sains tulen dulu kan senang nak pilih UPU ni."

"Kalau wani ambik sains dulu, boleh jadi doctor, boleh jugak tahu mak abah sakit apa."

Those words will never leave my mind. Ever.

So please la, korang yang dah kahwin tu, dah anak tu, please, be careful of ur words.