Macam mana orang boleh teruskan something yang bukan kehendak diorang? I'm so envious of those who know what they want to do. What I've been studying is not something that I truly wish for. Well, it's not like I know what I want to do now. I wanted to continue my study in architecture, but that dream was shattered, so I stop dreaming. Now I'm clueless. I don't find studying fun, I've lost all the motivation needed since a year ago, or maybe longer than that, I don't know. Right now, doing my FYP feels like a torture. I keep on procrastinating my FYP work. For god sake... I'm useless. It's my turn to present tomorrow but I haven't done anything. Dah hujung-hujung tahun belajar ni buat aku fikir ''Am I doing the right thing? Kalau masa belajar ni pun dah hilang minat macam mana kalau kerja nanti? Am I gonna keep on doing something that I don't want?" Aku masih tak tahu apa yang aku nak buat tapi ada satu benda yang aku yakin; this is not what I want to do.

I Miss You

i wonder since when, my feeling towards you
has been overflowing in the bottom of my heart
unseasonably, we walked by the sea
leaving bumps of our footprints on the sand

if we no longer share the same feeling
tell me, definitely i'll do anything

i miss you, no matter how far
we're apart from each other
when our hearts in sync greeting the same dawn
i believe we are indeed together

the wave splashes, and you push up your wind-blown hair
for no specific reason, i fall in love with you again
it's just difficult, even all the words in this world
cannot justify my whole feeling towards you

yes, if i can have you
ah, even if i have to push myself, i'll be there

i miss you, i want you to be by my sode just a bit more
even it's a mere illusion
i wanna have you, please stay here
i'll get you so have faith in me

'busy' comes out as an excuse, but it's actually your signal of 'i'm lonely'
days we can't meet each other, somehow
i got your clue but i just pretend i didn't
now i'm not going to ignore it ever again

i miss you, for the rest of my life
together on the road i'll be on
i want you there, always by my side
i'll go get you now, so have faith in me

today, no matter how far
we're apart from each other
as our hearts are in sync,
surely we'll find the same dawn

Expectation & Trust

trust

• easy to lose but hard to gain
• easiest way to hurt someone; betray the trust given *wink*

expectation

• high expectation - both side can get hurt
• low expectation - simply means you're not trusted (percaya sikit la kot, sikiiiiiiiiit je). *my definition* *i don't give a shit if nobody, except my parents, don't trust me*

conclusion

both can give you emotional pain

I don't trust people anymore, and I'm losing the trust that I've given to almost everyone. and I'm not going to expect anything from anyone anymore. ok, that's bullshit. we can never run from expecting something from someone. well, my expectation gonna very low then.

Missing

god, this song is so heartbreaking yet so good (ಥ﹏ಥ)

I keep recalling the moments you were here
Each time, it makes me smile
So many seasons have gone by
Swiftly without a sound

The clock’ s hands are moving
I want to move on, but
The seasons are leaving me behind
Forever and ever

The reason I'm not forgetting you
is because you cried
Even now
I ended up searching (for your voice)
This entire time

Getting hurt, and hurt again
They say everyone will someday grow up
I’m missing you, missing you so much
But your voice is just not here
Aaaaa
Just why won’t this feeling reach you

The distance we’ve been apart
If only that can make me stronger
I'll keep wishing of
the future I believe in
Endlessly

However
If this is a dream, please wake me up

The conversations we had..
The days the tears were shed..
So I make a wish upon the star
No more than this one wish

I don’t want to lose anything anymore
We can still protect it
Let me hear your name
I’ll call you with all my might
Yet, it’s just nowhere to be found

Getting hurt, and hurt again
They say everyone will someday grow up
I’m missing you, missing you so much
But your voice is just nowhere to be found

The darkness of this grief
Let it be light to another
I keep on breathing, and breathing
Hopefully this wound will heal someday

who was it?

I've been living in my own world
believing that nothing's gonna change
and before I realize it
I'm losing you bit by bit

I'm still living in my own world
keep denying that it's happening - losing you
and before I realize it
we already fall apart

I will live in my own new world
where everything happened is just a memory
I'm trying to put an end to these denials
from these past two years
so there will be no more tears

****************************************************************************************************

found this in my book, seems like this one is written in 2013

just who am I thinking of when I wrote this? was it him? or could it be....her? hmmm......